[Gerben42]

A successful computer scientist went on a cruise and then suddenly the ship sank. Luckily he was washed ashore on a tropical island, on which he had to survive on bananas and coconuts.

After several months he suddenly sees a beautiful woman in a rowing boat coming upto the beach so he walks towards her and asks: "How did you get here?". She says: "Well I was stranded on the other side of the island 4 months ago when my cruise ship sank!" What a coincidence, he thought. He went with her and couldn't believe his eyes: She had built a bungalow near the beach!

She invites him into her house and asks him: "Would you like something to drink?" He declines: "Sorry I can't see any more coconut-juice..." "Well", she says, "it's not coconut juice, I've built a small brewery, how about a Pina Colada?" He is happy to accept, and they sit on the beach and talk and talk... Then she says: "Why don't you take a bath and shave, I'll slip into something more comfortable." And incredibly, he finds some razor blades made of sharpened bones.

When he returns he finds her clothed in just some wine ranks. Then she tells him softly: "Have a seat, we've been alone on this island for so long. You've been so lonely... I think there is something you would really, really like to do. Something that you had to miss for months..."

She looked him in the eyes and he was stunned... Could it really be true? He whispered: "You mean... I can really read my E-Mails from here?"

[Walddk]

What did the bra say to the hat?

"You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift".

Warning from the League for Political Correctitude (LPC):
This joke is politically incorrect. It is potentially offensive to:
Some women.
Easily-offended people.

Roland

[GeeGee]

Two vampire bats in a cave. One says to the other 'I'm going out for a meal, brb' and leaves.

Shortly after he returns, his face covered with blood.

'Blimey, where have you been?' asks his partner. 'I'll show you', he replies, and leads her out of the cave. 'You see that big tree over there?'

'Yes'

'Well, I didn't'

[Trinidad]

Rain, on Jun 7 2006, 02:32 PM, said:

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

(You can probably edit this to place it in a classroom setting, but don't give your kids any ideas )

This reminds me of something I heard in Sweden about 8 years ago. They had (have?) a radio program there where a panel of comedians have to respond on the spot and finish a story that the moderator starts. This time, the moderator presented the title of the story and one comedian came up with an immediate answer.

The title was: "How did the guitar end up on the camp fire?"

The instant reply: "When I was a scout, one day my troop leader told me: 'Get the guitar and make a camp fire...'."

Trinidad

[Elianna]

An engineer walks by a house that's on fire, grabs a hose, and puts the fire out.

A physicist walks by a house that's on fire, sees the other houses around it are not on fire, figures that on average, houses aren't on fire, and walks away.

A mathematician sees a house not on fire, and sets it on fire, thus reducing it to an already solved problem.

[barmar]

Miron, on Jun 8 2006, 04:02 AM, said:

There is an American, English, Russian and Czech on board of airplane, when all engines sudently turn off and the crash is inevitable, but just 3 parachutes are on board. First the Russian takes parachute and says: I, as a member of world most intelligent nation, have right to save me. The second is American: I, as a citizen of the most wealthy nation, have right to save me and jumps as well. The British says: I could save me also as a citizen of most mannered nation, but I am a getlemen. Please take my parachute. And the Czech replies: Thank you, but this is not necessary, because there are still two parachutes left. The citizen of most intelligent nation jumped with my backpack.

(Also I have a lot of jokes, where the Czech are the best - as any nation does, I assume. Again if you are interrested write me for more)

The version they tell here in the US usually has specific famous people, and the one who jumps with the backpack is always George W. Bush.

[mike777]

http://www.break.com...rderpatrol.html

Pay attention to the fence in the background.

[slothy]

There is a Mother superior, a nun and the Pope having an orgy in the Vatican. The mother Superior says to the Pope

ahhh forget it you wont use it anyway..

[Badmonster]

my favorite joke....

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
.
.
.
.
Here come the elephants!

What did he say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with their sunglasses on?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

Your students may be too mature for this joke. But I love it.

[Winstonm]

An insurance man called a house one night and a small boy answered the phone in a low whisper: "Hello."

"Is your father there?" said the salesman.

"Yes," the boy whispered.

"May I talk to him?"

"No," whispered the boy. "He's busy."

"Well is your mother there?" asked the salesman.

"Yes," the boy whispered.

"May I speak to her?"

"No," the boy whispered even more lowly. "She's busy."

"I see," said the salesman. "Well are there any other adults there?"

"Yes," the boy whispered. "There's 5 fireman and 5 policemen and some people from the t.v. station"

Incredulous, the salesman continued: "Your father, mother, 5 fireman and 5 policeman, and some people from the t.v. station. What exactly are all those people doing there?"

The boy whispered, "Looking for me."

[kfgauss]

Elianna, on Jun 8 2006, 05:42 PM, said:

An engineer walks by a house that's on fire, grabs a hose, and puts the fire out.

A physicist walks by a house that's on fire, sees the other houses around it are not on fire, figures that on average, houses aren't on fire, and walks away.

A mathematician sees a house not on fire, and sets it on fire, thus reducing it to an already solved problem.

As a mathematician, I find this a bit unfair. While we may have fun reducing problems to previously solved problems, I don't think we reduce non-problems to previously solved problems.

(Or maybe this is a harsher critique than I'd originally thought. )

There are many versions of this joke. A nice variant goes something like:

An engineer wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, grabs a trashcan, fills it with water, and puts out the fire.

A physicist wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, sees a fire hose, calculates the precise trajectory [etc etc physics nonsense] and puts out the fire.

A mathematician wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, sees the fire hose, says "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.

Andy

[Winstonm]

An optimist says: The glass is half full.
A pessimist says: The glass is half empty.
An engineer says: The glass is too big.

[Miron]

kfgauss, on Jun 10 2006, 05:04 PM, said:

Elianna, on Jun 8 2006, 05:42 PM, said:

An engineer walks by a house that's on fire, grabs a hose, and puts the fire out.

A physicist walks by a house that's on fire, sees the other houses around it are not on fire, figures that on average, houses aren't on fire, and walks away.

A mathematician sees a house not on fire, and sets it on fire, thus reducing it to an already solved problem.

As a mathematician, I find this a bit unfair. While we may have fun reducing problems to previously solved problems, I don't think we reduce non-problems to previously solved problems.

(Or maybe this is a harsher critique than I'd originally thought. )

There are many versions of this joke. A nice variant goes something like:

An engineer wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, grabs a trashcan, fills it with water, and puts out the fire.

A physicist wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, sees a fire hose, calculates the precise trajectory [etc etc physics nonsense] and puts out the fire.

A mathematician wakes up and sees that the house is on fire, sees the fire hose, says "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.

Andy

The mathematician sees the fire hose, tests whether the water could be running (turns it on and off). And now he says "A solution exists".

[Sigi_BC84]

An undergrad computer science student is geo-caching in the forest with that fancy new GPS receiver he just bought. [replace that by "takes a walk in the forest" if you want but I don't think it sounds credible here ;-).]

After a while, way into the woods, he approaches a swamp he's never seen before on his various journeys. Taking a closer look, suddenly a frog jumps out of the swap right in front of his feet. The frog sits there and stares at him.

The student picks up the frog, and suddenly the frog says:

- "I'm a cursed princess, once I was renowned for my beauty, but an evil witch turned me into this frog. Kiss me and you will liberate me and I'll become your wife till death do us part."

The student ponders for a short while and then replies:

- "Nah, I don't think I'm gonna do that."

- "Why not? Are you married already and won't cheat on your wife?"

The student puts the frog in his pocket and says:

- "Nah, I don't even had sex before, but, you know, there are so many guys with beautiful girlfriends, that's nothing special, but keeping a talking frog, now that really owns!!"

[pdmunro]

I read this one in a bridge book, believe it or not. It's probably better for older adults.

It's Don's 80th birthday. So the residents of the old people's home, where he lives, put in some money. And hire a lady of the night to make it a really special occasion.

The lady arrives dressed only in a fur coat. Standing at the door of Don's room, she flings open her coat, revealing all her assets, and says in a sexy voice: "Tonight's your lucky night, big boy. I'm here for super sex. What's it to be?"

Don replies in a shaky voice, "I'll take the soup, thanks."

[bid_em_up]

Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"

God shrugged and said, "Everybody knows, Jesus saves."

[mgoetze]

kfgauss, on Jun 10 2006, 05:04 PM, said:

As a mathematician, I find this a bit unfair. While we may have fun reducing problems to previously solved problems, I don't think we reduce non-problems to previously solved problems.

I prefer this version:

A mathematician and an engineer are being interviewed for a job. The employer wants to know whether they are any good at solving practical problems, so as a test they are both asked to fry an egg.

The engineer takes an egg out of the fridge and fries it.

The mathematician takes an egg out of the fridge and fries it.

Now, as a second test, they are given the same task again, but with a twist: the fridge has been hidden.

The engineer goes about the house, finds the fridge in the cellar, takes an egg out, carries it up to the kitchen and fries it.

The mathematician goes about the house, finds the fridge in the cellar, and carries the fridge up into the kitchen, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

For lots of really great math jokes, most of them in German, www.mathewitze.de.

[mycroft]

For mathematicians, I've always liked this pair:

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to change it, one for support, and four to share the experience.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. He hands it to six Californians, thus reducing the problem to a previous joke.

Of course, I'm an engineer...
Michael.

[inquiry]

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a
different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of
looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from
her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking
at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New
Yorker out.

[han]

That's a pretty good one Ben!

I must admit that I found some of the jokes here offensive enough never to tell in a highschool class (but not those about mathematicians, they just tend to be boring).