[pilowsky]

Here's two to get you started - both real, from last week.
Private to TDDavid> is there a vaccine against bridge?
Private from TDDavid [TD]> and not against bridge players
Private to TDDavid> Take as Director'd
Private from TDDavid [TD]> lol - that has ruined me

Private to Matt> is bridge a contact sport?
Private from Matt> No contract.

[McBruce]

This was not an online game, but remains my favorite. It was a novice tournament (obviously):

Player: Director, I'd like to know if it is legal to pull a bid-box card out of the box when it is my turn without having to make that bid.
Me: And why would you want to do that?
Player: I want to see the back side of the pass card to see how much it will cost me if I go down in the contract that I might want to bid.
Me: Let's talk away from the table for a second.

Away from the table, I explained the scoring and that going down might cost considerably more than the green card indicated if an opponent doubled, which was a possibility he might want to consider after what he had said at the table.

Back we went.

He made the five-level bid he was thinking about.

To my considerable surprise, nobody doubled. (I would have done so whatever I held.)

The contract was a struggle, but in the end there was just no way to make more than eleven tricks. +600.

To this day I wonder if it was a great bluff that didn't work.

[pilowsky]

From today: - my mother always said I was very trying...
Partner (Private): The first few hands i need to be dummy

Partner (Private): Did not think this through so I have a loaf of bread in the oven

Partner (Private): It should be done in about 8-12 minutes

→Table: we have to play slowly - Partner has a bun in the oven

Partner→Table: it's out of the oven

East→Table: Is she pregnant?

→Table: excellent

Partner→Table: Hardly, unless it's a miracle in many ways

West→Table: Haaaaaaa

Partner→Table: I am baking bread Paul is just trying to be funny

[McBruce]

"I've registered [myname] with my partner [another name] but how do we play East/West? I usually play East. Thank you. 1st time"

(I was kind, and in fact noted that this player was well ahead of the curve having figured out how to message me.)