[kfay]

Here is the story. A friend of mine had a girlfriend in high school for about 3 years. The two of them were very much in love, although he may have had the worst of it. The time came for the two of them to graduate and the girl left for an Ivy League school while my friend, quite surprisingly, was rejected from the same school and went to his state school. Even after all their time together the relationship didn't take long to end after his girlfriend moved away. Both of them didn't want to talk to one another afterwards, her reasons are unknown but I think he couldn't take talking to her because it was upsetting.

Flash forward.

It's now been 3 1/2 years since the two of them have even spoken and they both have graduated. This past weekend she called him and asked to have lunch. She wants to keep in touch and said that she has 'missed him.'

My friend was really broken up by this whole situation and it's clear that he still loves this girl after all this time. He was very vague about it but I'm worried about whether he can still be friends with her without hoping for more. I can't stress enough how messed up he was after their breakup. Possibly obvious since he's still like this.

Is this normal female behavior? Sure these two have history but does that mean they can be friends? Is that what she wants or is it possible she still has something for him?

Obviously it's hard to judge without knowing her but here are some facts:
1) She had a lot of boyfriends before the two of them began dating, but has had none since.
2) She still lives on the east coast, he doesn't.
3) She didn't say anything else during their meeting that would imply anything except possibly 'it doesn't feel like it's been that long'

[kenberg]

If she lives on the East Coast and he doesn't, I take it she is passing through and wants to have lunch. This lunch date doesn't require plane reservations, right? Sounds like a one time only deal.

I think calling an old boyfriend or girlfriend for lunch is perfectly normal. It usually means exactly what it appears to mean, a desire to catch up on what's been happening, but there are rarely guarantees in such matters.

I don't think having no boyfriends in three and a half years is normal, or at least not usual, but that's her choice.

I think he should join her for lunch if he wants to.

If he is still so upset after this length of time that lunch might be emotionally catastrophic for him then maybe he shouldn't go, but also then he needs some help. Maybe from friends, maybe from a professional, but from someone. Someday he will (presumably) get married and it is very VERY reasonable for his wife to expect that he has put this behind him.


Just think of me as Dear Abby

[sceptic]

Quote

Is this normal female behavior?

If anyone can answer that question, you could become a billionaire

[jtfanclub]

I don't think he's going back to normal until he sees her. If she's not interested in a relationship any more, then he can break it off cleanly and go on with his life. If she is interested, well, it's not like either of them has married, right?

Only one way to find out. If neither of them is married, and the spark is still there, maybe one of them can move.

[pclayton]

She's bored and curious.

The reasons for the break-up will emerge if the relationship starts up again. If I were a friend of his, I'd tell him he should be very clear to about why he's hesitant about meeting if he chooses to go at all. He'll see her at reunions and such, but that can't be avoided. A lingering relationship can last for years, even decades, and nothing really good comes out of it except for unfulfilled expectations.

I really can't see a lot of good to come out of this. The lack of relationships he's had are very problematic and she seems well-adjusted. It seems he's carrying some baggage still which is sad. If she is truly concerned about his well-being she will not casually see him, but he needs to man-up and leave her behind.

Most important, if you are his friend, you'll get him the hook-up! W00t.

[Al_U_Card]

Look, she just graduated and got dumped by her "school" boyfriend. She is vulnerable and looking for solace with a comfortable old shoe......Avoid her like the plague (she wasn't interested for 3 1/2 YEARS?????) Puh-leeese!

She is a security junkie that craves attention like a leech needs blood. Don't let him fall for it.

[sceptic]

Quote

Is this normal female behavior?

If anyone can answer that question, you could become a billionaire


What ever the reason she wants to be friends, I think he should meet her, if he does not he it may bug him for years, get it over with and get on with your life

[jtfanclub]

Al_U_Card, on Jan 23 2008, 02:12 PM, said:

She is a security junkie that craves attention like a leech needs blood. Don't let him fall for it.

Wow, I'm impressed by your...psychiatric skills. Yeah, that's the ticket.

This is her home town as well as his. I don't see how this is abnormal. What's he going to do, spend the rest of his life avoiding reunions and keeping off the streets? And how is it unusual to look up an old friend when you're in town?

Let them meet. Most likely, he'll find that his image of her is a lot better than the real thing and he'll be able to go on with his life. This obsession is not healthy- best to take it head on.

[Elianna]

I see that I'm the only female to answer so far.

I have no clue why she wants to meet him. I assume that she's back in town to see parents or something?

Anyway, without knowing this girl at all, I bet that the old adage "distance makes the heart grow fonder" seems to apply, for both of them in fact. I bet that she doesn't remember why they broke up, and wants to meet again, to see if she can remember, and if she can't, if they possibly could still get back together. I can't imagine it working out, if she's going to still live on the East Coast and he's going to be in Michigan, but I've seen LDRs work.

As to whether I would advise a (male) friend of mine to meet an old flame, i don't know know. I would hope that maybe seeing her again would allow her to see her in a true light, rather than the light of remembrance of the good times, but it doesn't sound likely the way you're describing your friend.

I think that if he refuses to meet her, he'd be even worse off, but you know your friend better than I would. Would he be obsessing about his decision not to see her? That's something to consider.

[Apollo81]

He should meet her because he will probably regret it if he doesn't. He shouldn't go in with any expectations, and if he wants to know how she feels about him he should just ask her and in general be as straightforward and open as possible.

I don't think they can be friends, given their history.

[Al_U_Card]

jtfanclub, on Jan 23 2008, 04:11 PM, said:

Al_U_Card, on Jan 23 2008, 02:12 PM, said:

She is a security junkie that craves attention like a leech needs blood.  Don't let him fall for it.

Wow, I'm impressed by your...psychiatric skills. Yeah, that's the ticket.

This is her home town as well as his. I don't see how this is abnormal. What's he going to do, spend the rest of his life avoiding reunions and keeping off the streets? And how is it unusual to look up an old friend when you're in town?

Let them meet. Most likely, he'll find that his image of her is a lot better than the real thing and he'll be able to go on with his life. This obsession is not healthy- best to take it head on.

I wouldn't call it a skill, nor a training....perhaps my feminine side intuition? How about logic and reason? Why is everyone so sentimental? They like to suffer? If there were real emotions or issues....they would have come to the fore earlier than this. Why set yourself up for a fall? IF you get dumped....stay dumped. If you can live without it and it only causes turmoil....where is the intelligence in inviting it back in to your life? Set old wrongs right? Sure. Living in the past keeps you from being in the moment and making the most of what you have.

[barmar]

I'd like to think that both of them would have matured in the 3 1/2 years since they last saw each other. It sounds like maybe she has but he hasn't.

[pclayton]

Jlall, on Jan 23 2008, 01:43 PM, said:

it's just like peyton and lucas on one tree hill

or Bo and Hope on Days of our Lives.

Sorry, showing my age.

[luke warm]

i agree with al... tell her (over the phone) that it was great to talk to her again but you won't be able to do lunch... congrats on graduating, have a nice life... your friend needs to forget her (imo)

[mike777]

pclayton, on Jan 23 2008, 05:54 PM, said:

Jlall, on Jan 23 2008, 01:43 PM, said:

it's just like peyton and lucas on one tree hill

or Bo and Hope on Days of our Lives.

Sorry, showing my age.

I think he meant to write Luke and Laura
http://en.wikipedia....nd_Laura_Webber

I have no idea what a one tree hill is.

[helene_t]

Agree with Noble.

You never know but most likely she just wants to chat over a lunch, I don't think she wants friendship, let alone romance. I think he should just go to the lunch since otherwise he will keep torturing himself with what would have happened if he had accepted. If he can manage to make it clear to her that he found this a difficult decision and that he needs to know what she really wants, more power to him.

I see nothing abnormally (female or otherwise) in her behavior, the story sounds quite common.

[pclayton]

mike777, on Jan 23 2008, 03:49 PM, said:

pclayton, on Jan 23 2008, 05:54 PM, said:

Jlall, on Jan 23 2008, 01:43 PM, said:

it's just like peyton and lucas on one tree hill

or Bo and Hope on Days of our Lives.

Sorry, showing my age.

I think he meant to write Luke and Laura
http://en.wikipedia....nd_Laura_Webber

I have no idea what a one tree hill is.

Nope:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bo_Brady

http://en.wikipedia....i/Hope_Williams

[TimG]

kfay, on Jan 23 2008, 01:10 PM, said:

A friend of mine had a girlfriend in high school for about 3 years.

1) She had a lot of boyfriends before the two of them began dating, but has had none since.

How old was she when she had all these pre-relationship boyfriends?

If they've been in separate states and haven't talked for the last 3 1/2 years, how does he know she hasn't had a boyfriend since? Maybe they have mutual friends (you?) who might have kept in touch with both, but that still doesn't mean news of a new boyfriend would get back to the hurt ex-boyfriend (or anyone else in the hometown high school crowd).

[I can't believe I'm responding to this thread...]

[Codo]

I agree with Helene,

What is not normal with this?

After some years, I was always interested in what my ex-girlfriends had done since we departed. I did not contact all of them, buit this happened too.

And it was always in the certainity that the old times are gone. There is no romance any more.

He should go, just to finish this part of his life.