[sceptic]

In a message dated 7/2/2007 11:55:13 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, Dandan8704 writes:
1. On a congested flight while boarding, the Flight Attendant announced,
>"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get
>in it!
>
>
>
>2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
>pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
>be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
>the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
>
>
>3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
>belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
>something we'd like to have. "
>
>
>
>4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
>out of this airplane"
>
>
>
>5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
>giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
>
>
>6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
>voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella......... WHOA!"
>
>
>
>7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
>flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
>opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
>as hell everything has shifted."
>
>
>
>8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
>245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
>buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if
> you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
>unsupervised."
>
>
>
>9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
>from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
>face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
>assisting with theirs."
>
>
>
>10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
>we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember -
>nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
>
>
>11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
>emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
>compliments."
>
>
>
>12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
>Anythi n g left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
>attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that
>gentleman over there."
>
>
>
>13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
>pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
>Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
>
>
>14 Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
>City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
>a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
>the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
>attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>
>
>
>15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
>particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Ca pt ain
>was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
>Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
>in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
>left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
>
>
>16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
>ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
>terminal."
>
>
>
>17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
>his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
>required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
>exited, smile, and giv e them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
>that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
>passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart c omm ent.
>Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
>cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
>Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
>land, or were we shot down?"
>
>
>
>18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
>with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
>and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
>gate And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
>silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
>wreckage to the terminal."
>
>
>
>19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
>you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
>urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressur ized metal tube, we hope
>you'll think of US Airways."
>
>
>
>20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
>wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
>you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
>
>
>21 A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
>comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
>intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
>Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
>is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
>sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
>
>
>
>. . . Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
>the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
>earlier. While I was t alki ng to you, the flight attendant accidentally
>spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
>pants!"
>
>
>
>A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine

[bid_em_up]

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!!".

(I think you truncated it)

If I remember correctly, there are also more to follow.....

[bid_em_up]

Blonde Passenger

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.

The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move.

The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class.

The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?"

"I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California.

----------------------------------------------
An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on." The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..."

[bid_em_up]

While searching for airplane jokes, I ran across this gem.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashioon, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

[sceptic]

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

[gwnn]

I'm sure almost everybody knew this one, but it's still a brilliant joke:



The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant …





"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."