[sceptic]

Britain is repossessing the USA
>
>A Message to the citizens of the United States of
>America :
>
>In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
>and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
>revocation of your Independence, effective immediately.
>
>Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
>duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
>Kansas, which She does not fancy).
>
>Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
>America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
>Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
>year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
>following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)
>
>1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
>will be Amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
>2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
>skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by
>the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
>vocabulary to acceptable Levels (look up 'vocabulary').
>
>3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
>such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
>form of communication.
>
>There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
>account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
>You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
>
>4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
>5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
>lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
>therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
>
>6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
>to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
>then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will
>no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
>vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
>vegetable peeler in public.
>
>7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
>for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
>what we mean.
>
>8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
>start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
>you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
>conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
>understand the British sense of humour.
>
>9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
>been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
>potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
>fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
>11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
>actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
>referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted
>provenance will be
>referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
>Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
>further confusion.
>
>12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
>as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
>to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
>dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
>having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
>13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
>of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
>will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
>to
>American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
>twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of
>nancies).
>
>14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
>host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
>outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
>world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>
>15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
>16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax collector) from Her
>Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
>acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
>17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
>mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries
>in season.

[Echognome]

I've seen this before, but thought I'd add a bit of commentary.


1. While we're at it, do you want us to change the name to Platinium?

2. Oh please. Brits just like the extra vowel so they can score more at Countdown.

3. 'Allo me old china - wot say we pop round the Jack. I'll stand you a pig and you can rabbit on about your teapots. We can 'ave some loop and tommy and be off before the dickory hits twelve.

Can we just say that efficiency isn't something Brits can talk about. (Although as a side note, I think Cockney is pretty cool.)

4. Well instead we can celebrate Britain's national day, which is when again? St. George's day? Who remembers when it is? Does anyone in England even care?

5. No instead we will resolve our differences by sending hooligans to resolve our disputes. It is much more mature.

6. Can't really comment here as handgun laws are pretty lame in the states, but it's a highly political issue to say the least.

7. I think this one is funny. American cars are crap so we have to be shown German cars? Not really a high endorsement for English ones.

8. Roundabouts are indeed much better than stop signs. (Unfortunately everywhere I've seen them in the states, they make the actual roundabout way too big for the intersection.) And I'm sure we'll start using kilometers when the English do. Oh and while they're at it, I'm sure they don't mind changing from pints to litres. "I'll have half a litre of bitter please."

9. While we are paying UK prices, should we not warn them about the prices of everything else as well? In particular clothing and anything electrical. Be prepared to pay about 75% more than you are used to. Or just imagine that the price in dollars is now the price in pounds.

10. Sure. As long as we can properly name english bacon as 'ham strips' (or something equally inane) and black pudding as 'animal feed'.

11. Funnily enough "near-frozen gnat's urine" is popular in England. I presume certain English beers get recategorized under that new title. A new category will be added called "warm floor polish" for certain english ales.

12. Why not just eliminate english accents from all movies? It seems that they eliminate them from tv shows in england.

13. I don't imagine soccer can be called a proper sport when players dive and fake injuries all the time. Americans seem to give respect to rugby, but rugby players seem to have a complex thinking they have to always compare themselves to (American) football. I also seem to recall Martin Johnson doing his fitness training with the San Francisco 49ers. Can't be all that soft. I'd also like to see whoever wrote this call any of the lineman that play a Nancy. It'd probably be a fun sport watching them try to run away afterwards.

14. They actually now have a world championship for baseball. It's just that most countries are completely horrible at the sport. And can England really talk where it thinks the Ashes is the ultimate series in cricket? At least the U.S. isn't Australia's whipping boy in every sport.

15. The butler did it.

16. I guess this is probably the most viable solution to revive the NHS?

17. What happened to the scones and clotted cream? It's the only thing worthwhile really.

[vang]

it's a joke man, no need for analysis ;-)

[Echognome]

vang, on Dec 8 2006, 02:31 PM, said:

it's a joke man, no need for analysis ;-)

So I can't make fun of England because it's a joke? Good logic.

[Robert]

Hi eveyone

The reason that we celebrate the 4th of July is that we 'won' our war with England.
They showed considerable good sense in letting us have our own country. America would have dominated the Empire 'if' they somehow remained in the Empire.

Perhaps you would like to become the 51st state? We probably would not approve your application, we have a couple of other 'much better' options that appear much more likely to be approved.

Many other parts of the Empire also managed to leave when the Empire crashed and burned after WWII. If English rule was so good, why did so many nations abandon the 'good times' under English rule?

King Henry the VIII gives you reason to complain? Was it Chamberlain that said that Hitler was a gentleman?

Either the police or the National Rifle Association would arrest/detain any possible British attempt at landing on our shores 'if' our military did not want to get involved.

The riots after your 'football' games are another example of fine British sportmanship? Don't people get killed when your fans 'complain' about the result of a game?

Why show us German cars? The British ones aren't working?

Baseball is played in many(most?) areas of the world. Americans spread the game while they were touring during WWII.

We did like the Beatles, but warm beer?

Regards,
Robert

[Winstonm]

Let's see, adjusted for inflation and for the devaluation of the dollar, the average tax owed since 1776 is per U.S. citizen about $1.13 - if we add the illegal immigrants that drops to about $0.14 per person. Now, can we interest you in some of our fine, high-yielding 10-year bonds as well?

We sincerely wish to thank you for assuming out National Debt, as we were clueless as to what we were going to do about that except print more worthless money. A brilliant move to pay it in pounds, as that halves it due to the exchange rate - what is half of 900 kazillion-trillion?

Of course, this move will piss off China, who had planned to simply wait another 20-30 years until the U.S. files for bankruptcy, at which time they planned to buy the U.S. for $0.01 on the dollar.

A final question: Does London Bridge still stay in Arizona?

[pigpenz]

Good then GW Bush will belong to Britain

[sceptic]

Quote

Good then GW Bush will belong to Britain

I dont suppose you would take Tony Blair in part exchange, seems like a fair swap to me

[Winstonm]

sceptic, on Dec 8 2006, 02:32 PM, said:

Quote

Good then GW Bush will belong to Britain

I dont suppose you would take Tony Blair in part exchange, seems like a fair swap to me

Perhaps we could trade both of them to Germany for some of those outstanding automobiles.

[sceptic]

I think the germans may object t

[mike777]

I knew cutting and running out of Iraq would have consquences.

[mike777]

BTW what is a German car or an American car? You guys seem to know but I have no idea. Who owns what or makes what with what from where?

[pigpenz]

it its well made it most likely isnt from America

[cherdano]

Echognome, on Dec 8 2006, 04:43 PM, said:

vang, on Dec 8 2006, 02:31 PM, said:

it's a joke man, no need for analysis ;-)

So I can't make fun of England because it's a joke? Good logic.

Matt, be honest, someone poking fun at this thing called American football is never a joke to you

(I wasn't surprised to see your reply to no. 13 be longer than any other, to say the least )

[pbleighton]

"Good then GW Bush will belong to Britain"

I always thought he would have made a great moronic Duke, huntin', fishin', and cuttin' and runnin' after knockin' up the local parlourmaids.

Peter

[jikl]

Quote

"Good then GW Bush will belong to Britain"

I always thought he would have made a great moronic Duke, huntin', fishin', and cuttin' and runnin' after knockin' up the local parlourmaids.

Peter

Perhaps they could do some new episodes of Fawlty Towers, there might even be an opening for a waiter in the series.

Sean

[the saint]

jikl, on Dec 9 2006, 05:27 AM, said:

Quote

"Good then GW Bush will belong to Britain"

I always thought he would have made a great moronic Duke, huntin', fishin', and cuttin' and runnin' after knockin' up the local parlourmaids.

Peter

Perhaps they could do some new episodes of Fawlty Towers, there might even be an opening for a waiter in the series.

Sean

I don't think it would be as funny if they made the waiter even more obviously stupid and unable to use the English language. ON the other hand, I can just imagine Basil using the immortal words: 'Oh I'm sorry, he's from Texas!'.

[Echognome]

cherdano, on Dec 9 2006, 02:02 AM, said:

Echognome, on Dec 8 2006, 04:43 PM, said:

vang, on Dec 8 2006, 02:31 PM, said:

it's a joke man, no need for analysis ;-)

So I can't make fun of England because it's a joke? Good logic.

Matt, be honest, someone poking fun at this thing called American football is never a joke to you

(I wasn't surprised to see your reply to no. 13 be longer than any other, to say the least )

Laugh. Well what can I say? American football is a religion to some of us.

Just as I'm sure football is to others.

[GeeGee]

Echognome, on Dec 9 2006, 01:11 PM, said:

cherdano, on Dec 9 2006, 02:02 AM, said:

Echognome, on Dec 8 2006, 04:43 PM, said:

vang, on Dec 8 2006, 02:31 PM, said:

it's a joke man, no need for analysis ;-)

So I can't make fun of England because it's a joke? Good logic.

Matt, be honest, someone poking fun at this thing called American football is never a joke to you

(I wasn't surprised to see your reply to no. 13 be longer than any other, to say the least )

Laugh. Well what can I say? American football is a religion to some of us.

Just as I'm sure football is to others.

Not if you're a Middlesbrough supporter

[whereagles]

Robert, on Dec 8 2006, 02:52 PM, said:

Why show us German cars? The British ones aren't working?

All british car manufacturers were either bought up or went broke. If you drive one, you'll see what I mean

(ok I shut up now..)