[Jlall]

We ar etaught from the beginning that we are supposed to find "the one" and get married. Obv thats a myth. But are there people incapable of having a long term relationship? Coudl that be optimal? What are some reasons? How common e yhis?`

[jdonn]

I think shubi and drunk jlall could be very happy together.

[Jlall]

jdonn, on Jun 14 2009, 01:30 AM, said:

I think shubi and drunk jlall could be very happy together.

I don't drink it makes me wanna jump off a cliff

[Elianna]

Yes, but that doesn't mean that you are one of them.

I think that in many ways, the Orthodox (jewish) ideas about love can be applied to non-religious relationships. In short, love and attachment form from living together, and mainly from GIVING. The more that you give someone of yourself (speaking emotionally, not materially) the more attached you become to them. This is a very short summary, but it should give you the gist. I'm not capable of giving a more nuanced summary of this, because I don't believe it is the whole and complete truth.

I think that the main point of love is finding someone that you are compatable with, who has similar goals in life, and comes from similar background. And of course, someone who's company you enjoy. The "relationship" part starts off with the "getting to know you part". If that lasts, there's then the ACTUAL relationship, where you love spending time together. You share activities, and MOMENTS, and that's part of what creates the bond between you. You give of your time, and your love, and of yourself and the other person does the same.

This may not sound very sentimental, and I realize that. I was never a romantic person. I never used to have "telationships" that lasted more than a few months at a time, because I never got out of the initial stages. I won't talk about my current relationship.

[Elianna]

P.S. If Matmat can find a girl and hold on to her for longer than I've known him (6+ years) then there's hope for anyone!

You should find out his secret. I suspected at one time that she's made-up, but others assure me that she isn't.

[h2osmom]

There are definitely people incapable of having long term relationships. It's a difficult thing. We are supposed to promise to be with one person for the rest of our lives, and usually this happens while we are in our 20's. That may have been easier when lifespans were shorter, and also when a family needed a mother and a father to manage running a household, whatever form that took. Now, with a lifespan of approximately 80 years, a decision made at age 25 would apply for 55 years. That's a long time! People change, and sometimes they grow in different directions. Sometimes they grow together, or in a way that works together, but not always. Relationships are being redefined. It's of course wonderful when a relationship works well for both people.

Most relationships that end teach us things about ourselves, and about what we need in another person. If we take our relationships seriously, each one will help us to be more ready for the right relationship when it shows up. Just because we don't find the right circumstances for a relationship doesn't mean we never will.

There are 2 very important parts to having a successful relationship. One is to choose the right person. Everyone knows that. The other one is more important. Be the right person! If we can do that, then when something does come along, we are ready to benefit from it.

[matmat]

don't psych. it's unethical.

[qwery_hi]

Our brains have evolved to react extremely powerfully to "love". It's the highest high and the lowest low. If you're in love, enjoy it, if not, don't worry about it.

[Mbodell]

Elianna, on Jun 13 2009, 10:38 PM, said:

I think that the main point of love is finding someone that you are compatable with, who has similar goals in life, and comes from similar background. And of course, someone who's company you enjoy.

I more agree with your post than disagree, but I don't think you need similar goals (except what is encompassed in compatible) and I certainly don't think you need a similar background.

I also think there are a lot of wise ideas/advise about relationships that have stuck with me that seem sort of mostly right about something important aspect of things while certainly not being a full picture of everything love and relationships are about.

Quote

love and attachment form ... mainly from GIVING

is a good example. Others include:

Quote

Marry the person who is most like how you want your kids to be.

Or

Quote

Everyone acts differently around different people.  When we fall in love with someone what we really do is fall in love with the person we are when we are around the one we love.  This best version of ourselves is what we love.

Or

Quote

Love makes us a more complete version of ourselves.  If a less complete version of ourselves can love one person, why can't a more complete version love more than one?

Or

Quote

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex; you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did.

But I have to say the idea of one soul mate seems pretty silly to me. First of all, the odds of their only being one person out of 6 billion that is right for you seems sub-optimal. Secondly, you can only really choose to be with someone right now. For in the future both you and they will likely be very different.

Also, while what is natural isn't always right, it is pretty clear from evolutionary biology that it isn't natural for people in general to mate faithfully for life.

[Jlall]

triinu

[dicklont]

Are bridge partnerships similar to IRL partnerships?

[Hanoi5]

Quote

Are bridge partnerships similar to IRL partnerships?

I'm sure they share a lot of 'properties' or 'characteristics'. I wouldn't recommend you having a love relationship with your partner or trying to teach/play bridge with your other half. It rarely works.

I'm sure some people are not suitable for longtime relationships. I remember reading about this Dutch law-maker who was trying to get 7-year marriages into the legislature. In the end I think it's about giving and accepting you're with this person for the rest of your life. If you can't do that then it's hard or impossible.

[luke warm]

i loved elianna's post... i think there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone... love can be based on many things, and few of them are emotional (or romantic)... someone above posted that he doesn't believe in the soulmate idea.. i do... to me, it's not that there's only one person out of 6 billion etc etc, it's that 6 billion might be too small a number to find that one person... so we "settle" for love, but once we have done so things like duty or responsibility or shared values make the bonds stronger

as for justin's question, i think there are many people incapable of long term relationships, but i think it's a choice (whether subconscious or not) they make... i think it's usually because a person is afraid of losing the best relationship (with him/herself) s/he has ever had

[helene_t]

I wouldn't worry about it if I were your age, Justin.

That said, I sometimes wonder if the reason why it won't work for me is that it is something you have to learn at a young age. Or at least there may be certain aspects of it with which it is advantageous to build up some experience at a young age. Close friendships, flirting, sex, whatever.

I think there have been several wonderful posts in this thread. I especially like Eliiana's post. Also agree with Jimmy that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

As for qwery_hi's reference to evolutionary theory: Pinker and Dawkins see romantic love as a way of assuring partner of our fidelity. One obvious objection to that is that fake love would work just as well as real love, and have some obvious advantages. But maybe it is just too difficult to pretend to love someone.

[Winstonm]

A paraphrase:

When two halves meet, they have no choice but to join and form one whole, but have nothing left to give; when two wholes meet, that is beauty, that is love.

Or to put it another way - if you are looking for someone who can make you happy you will always be looking.

[PassedOut]

Long term relationships can be a wonderful part of life, but I don't think it realistic to expect a single relationship to fulfill a person's every requirement. For a satisfying life, we always need to have several concurrent relationships of different types.

Look at Martel and Stansby, a long term relationship if I ever saw one, enduring beyond marital changes. And I expect it will survive the final double that cost their team a victory in the current USBF championships.

It seems to me that I wasn't really capable of forming long term relationships until I was clear in my own mind about exactly what my own expectations were and what I was willing to put into each relationship to make it successful. So I agree with this:

h2osmom, on Jun 14 2009, 02:08 AM, said:

There are 2 very important parts to having a successful relationship.  One is to choose the right person.  Everyone knows that.  The other one is more important.  Be the right person!  If we can do that,  then when something does come along,  we are ready to benefit from it.

Knowing what qualities one finds really vital in a long term relationship is also important, and it takes awhile to nail that down. For me, the key personal ingredients are intelligence, irreligion, and a view that life is one great adventure. Unacceptable traits include cloying behaviors, whining, and jealousy. The initial screening process improves the odds that you'll hit it off with a person you date.

When you are ready for a long term relationship yourself, it's also important to be fair to the other person:

matmat, on Jun 14 2009, 02:09 AM, said:

don't psych. it's unethical.

That's a funny way of making the point, but the point is right. If you fool the person you want to be with, you've shot yourself in the foot when the deception comes to light.

So know yourself, know what you want, and be honest:

Elianna, on Jun 14 2009, 01:38 AM, said:

The "relationship" part starts off with the "getting to know you part".  If that lasts, there's then the ACTUAL relationship, where you love spending time together.  You share activities, and MOMENTS, and that's part of what creates the bond between you.  You give of your time, and your love, and of yourself and the other person does the same.

No relationship is perfect, but it doesn't have to be perfect to add wonderful times to one's life!

[Elianna]

Mbodell, on Jun 14 2009, 12:29 AM, said:

Elianna, on Jun 13 2009, 10:38 PM, said:

I think that the main point of love is finding someone that you are compatable with, who has similar goals in life, and comes from similar background.  And of course, someone who's company you enjoy.

I more agree with your post than disagree, but I don't think you need similar goals (except what is encompassed in compatible) and I certainly don't think you need a similar background.

I don't mean career goals; I mean as in number of kids, type of relationship one is searching for, commitment plans, where you would like to live, etc.

By similar background, I mean religion level, education level, etc. This may not be true for everyone, but if I were working for a matching company, the first thing I would look at would be those two categories when I was pairing up people.

[kenrexford]

Justin,

Consider this. Maybe you are like my grandfather and like me in a sense. Maybe for the first 8 years of your adult life your soulmate would have landed you in prison if you had dated her, and maybe for the next 8 years or so you would avoid dating her like the plague, for fear of the jokes.

My grandfather married a woman 8 years his younger after he had settled down and accomplished the growth needed to be ready for her. The same happened for me. She emerged out of nowhere.

Until then, disasters and messes, but fun getting dirty.

So, my advice is to not worry about it and just grab the nasty where you can until the time is right. It may be later.

[hanp]

If I remember correctly, I did worry about it when I was Justin's age.

[y66]

PassedOut, on Jun 14 2009, 10:52 AM, said:

So know yourself, know what you want, and be honest:

If you get 3 out of 3 of these, I think you have decent chances. The most sensible thing I ever heard about thinking twice before splitting up came from my favorite cousin's husband who said the problem is all that work you did is down the drain and now you have to break someone else in. And from a former neighbor, who wrote a book with 2 of her pals about their lives: if I knew then what I know now about myself, I think I could have figured out how to make it work. I thought she was going to say she'd have left him earlier! That's probably the most mature thing I've ever heard in my life. He most definitely blew it with that woman.